I, a married woman, past her thirties, have a lover.
It started on a hot summer day…
I created a dating profile. The website is for people already in a relationship, who look for a bit extra in their love life. Why did I do that? I will try to explain that.
My husband is the best in the world. We have been together for more than ten years and behind closed doors we grew towards the cuckold lifestyle. First, it was mild. I whispered fantasies of having sex with other men in his ears. But then, a burnout happened. I got close to a virtual friend, who I met online seven years ago. So close, we trusted each other with our secret fantasies. Mild became medium. I was having virtual sex with my first bull, while my husband was listening behind the door. This ended. My buddy found himself a girlfriend. Which… I wanted for him, more than being my bull. I was heartbroken to let him go. It was because of him I got to know another side of me. The side which longs for passionate love making.
But why not have this experience with my husband? I have become too dominant, he so submissive. It is not in his nature to take the lead during the sex. We tried, but it was too awkward for him. I don’t want to change him into someone he is not. Besides that, I love to take the dominant role. But still, I could not ignore the other side of me anymore. My husband accepts this. It even turns him on to know that I long for other men. Men, who can satisfy my unanswered fantasies. The acceptance and not wanting to change our true nature, I believe, that is real love! There is no wrong or right, just honesty, staying connected with each other and be willing to grant the other pleasure.
Two years later, after the ‘break up’, I created the mentioned dating profile. It took me only two days to find my lover. I knew exactly what I was looking for and after reading so many emails and turning down a dozen men after a chat, I found him. Or he found me. Reading his profile was like I was reading my own thoughts, like seeing myself in a mirror. I was drawn to his words and I just had to chat with him!
We are both in a long-term relationship, but I am married and he is living together. Another difference is that he has young kids. He chooses not to tell his girlfriend about his secret love adventures. I am the opposite of him and that was hard to accept for my lover. I can’t keep secrets from my husband and share everything with him! It is part of who I am. Honesty, to the one I love the most. For me it was hard to accept that he has children. It was never my intention to choose a lover with kids. My lover believes he is taking a greater risk, because he can lose everything. After all his girlfriend never chose for this situation and his family is his number one priority. He is afraid my husband wants to take revenge or sends a letter to his girlfriend with photo proof.
The three of us had to talk it out. Yes, my husband had a chat with my lover. It was awkward. But it helped a lot. No matter how often I told my lover that he can trust my husband, he was still in distress. So, it was a good thing that they had a conversation. My husband told my lover, that if I could not be honest to him, I wouldn’t be myself. Also, that it turns him on to know that his wife is having sex with another man. They also talked about the revenge part, that we would never do that, because it is not in our nature and nobody wins in the end.
This was a very emotional day. I had two men being hurt and I was torn into pieces. I was so glad that the three of us accepted all the conditions. Else it would be the end for me and my lover. I was not ready for that. My lover proved to me that day, how much our connection means to him. He could have let me go, when my husband asked me to quit. But he didn’t. I feel very blessed. The connection between us is magnetic from the very start. From reading his profile to our very first chat and all our dates. The way we think alike, feel alike, it is bizarre. Like two lovers from a parallel world who are connected again.
Our date frequency is modest, like maybe once a month. It keeps us focused on our ‘normal’ life. My lover’s girlfriend can’t suspect something this way. During his summer vacation we used to chat a lot, but now it is weekly. I would love to chat more, but it is not possible. He has two jobs and he dedicates his spare time to his family. I am his mistress. I will never have his full attention when I want it. We chat or meet when there is no risk for him to get caught. I learned to deal with being number two, knowing my place. I had to, because else I would go mental like the mistresses you see in movies. It has been four months, while I am writing this, he still turns me on. I eagerly await the next date. I would love to meet him in a hotel, but I am not feeling confident enough to propose this. Maybe within a few months. We still have so many erotic fantasies to be fulfilled.
I had a breakdown after two months. I partly blame my PMS. I was on the edge of… Breaking up with my lover. I haven’t told him about this. Before giving him ‘my dirt’ I tried to look for an explanation, why I was feeling the way I felt. My conclusion, I felt insecure. Insecure, because I was not getting the same attention as the summer days. There is no reason to blame him for my insecurity. I took control over myself and decided to cut down the messages to him. That way, I wasn’t expecting a response anymore. I don’t wish anyone to feel this burden, the burden of a mistress. And most of all, I don’t want to become clingy and desperate. I learned that to have expectations, is a guarantee for disappointment. It was challenging to keep everything in perspective, well it still is to be honest. In the first month I was a hopeless wreck, checking my phone… Waiting for a response… Or reading our chat history again and again. I even shocked myself, doubting my relationship with my husband. Thinking the connection with my lover is so unique, but… I am in love with the romantic idea, the fantasy. Everything looks overwhelmingly bright at first. But isn’t it always like that at the starting point? There are no perfect relationships and depending on the other person to be happy is not the way. So that’s why I needed this self-reflection and acceptance of the situation. My husband, who loves to be a cuckold. My lover, who wants to fulfill his sexual fantasies with me to get closer to his girlfriend. There is really no need for me to be in an emotional roller coaster. Just enjoy my life with my husband and occasionally have a date with my lover.
I was no longer victim of my destructive thoughts. I even told my lover that I have the urge to write him a message every time of the day, that I was addicted. I also shared that I won’t be doing that, that I rather wait until he really has time to chat. He said to me that he thinks about me often and that he has faith in us. Even when the frequency of our chats and dates will drop, that we will find each other again. My lover is a very patient man. He explained that his feelings are like an elastic, that if for example my husband wants us to cool down, he will wait patiently. As long as we keep communicating with each other and prevent a sudden a radio silence. I really melt if he says things like that. He has always been patient and kind to me, he even fought for me and accepted my honesty towards my husband. The only thing he doesn’t have is time, because his family is his priority. I know he would never admit this, but I think work is his number one priority. He always gets lured into new projects at his main job. I can see the thrill in his eyes. His family is more like a safe environment. Where dad is the hero and his darling is taking care of the household. He is a very ambitious man.
Do I feel guilty? Yes, I feel guilty towards his kids and his girlfriend. My husband said that if it wasn’t for me, he would have found somebody else to have an affair with. So why feel guilty? Even my lover said that I should let go these feelings of guilt. It was his own choice to make a dating profile. And, I do believe I am the best mistress he could wish for. My husband and I are discrete. I have a lot of flexibility in my life to plan dates. How about me being a natural beauty? I am still the prettiest girl on a party, the girl who gets the guys staring. He is lucky that he found me, because most women on the dating website only want attention, dinner dates or are too fat. I am also not the jealous type. I stimulate him to do stuff with his girlfriend. I even agree with his girlfriend in some situations. I will never talk bad about her to him. He can always tell me his relationship frustrations, but in the end, he feels like he is annoying me. It is never the other way around. My husband is my number one and if I have troubles with him, I will solve it with him without venting to someone else. My lover still must grow in his communication with his girlfriend. One thing we know for sure, we have a bizarre chemistry.
Being a mistress makes me reflect my self-worth. I am weird for having feelings for more than one man, but I deserve to be myself. I am beautiful, understanding and honest. The men in my life are lucky to have a taste of me. I feel very attracted to my lover, but a real relationship, like being each other’s number one, I can’t imagine that. I don’t like his secrecy, how he is not really communicating with his girlfriend, that he works so much and he has children. I don’t understand why he has two jobs, when his girlfriend is asking to have him spend more time with the kids. With having a peak into his life, I realized I have a good life. I appreciate it more. My husband and I have the same objectives in life, the same standards. We both don’t want kids, we love doing ‘whatever’ behind our computers and we don’t like social events. How about our passion for sports and all the new adventures we create? We have built this lifestyle, together. He still has his freedom and I also have time to do my own stuff. Like going to the gym, sauna or dinner dates with my friends. At home he treats me like a queen. He never gets angry when I don’t have the household under control, but really appreciates it when it is. Especially when I cook for him. My husband is a perfect cuckold, which compliments my dominant side. Unfulfilled fantasies are answered by my lover. So far, everything is good, wonderful even.
In my diary I will call my husband Bob and my lover Kevin due to privacy.
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