Chapter 16: It feels like a thousand knives are stabbing my heart

Just a normal Sunday. I am in the mood to have ‘sexy-time’ with Bob. I take a shower to warm myself up. The lights in the bathroom are dimmed and a love song plays in the background. Suddenly, I don’t know why, depressing thoughts kick in. I feel sad. I am having doubts about everything. This whole situation is wrong? Shouldn’t I be with someone who can answer my sexual needs? Have my needs always taken second place? Is this the life I want?

I can’t get a grip of my destructive thoughts. Am I unhappy with my life? I am finished with the shower and I dry myself. I walk past Bob and go straight to bed. Bob notices something is wrong.

“What is the matter honey?”

“I don’t know. I suddenly feel depressed.”

“Talk to me.”

“I can’t. I don’t understand these feelings myself.”

“Try…”

I keep silent. Bob is feeling sad now and starts to guess what is wrong. Asking if I am in love with Kevin… That he wouldn’t mind. Suddenly, he asks a question which terrifies me.

“Do I need to take a divorce into account?”

I start crying. “Give me some time. I need to think.”

Bob cries. “Just be honest. I don’t want to be the one wasting your time. You are still young now.”

Tears can’t stop running down my face. “Please, just let me think. I don’t understand myself.”

Bob leaves me alone in the bed.

“I am going to do my best OK? I am going to write it down… Maybe it helps me finding the words,” I whimper.

I grab my diary and start writing. I have no clue where to start. Doesn’t matter, I just start. Bob needs an answer. I need an answer!

I keep writing and writing… I write that I find it difficult to accept that I love two men. That I can’t accept this lifestyle myself yet. I see myself as a defective woman, but that I am grateful for Bob to love me as I am. My hand is writing on its own now. I start writing wishes, unfair wishes. I wish Bob could answer my sexual fantasies. I wish Bob could be more into me, since I feel that I am adjusting the most in the relationship. I wish for him to visit me at work, to remember my favorite foods and surprise me with that, to be more romantic. And my biggest fear… that he won’t apply for a job outside of the country. I am not ready to give up the life we have, but I don’t want to be in his way of finding a job he loves.

I don’t want to lose Bob. I love him so much. I just need time to accept myself. I ask him in my diary to be a little bit more patient with me.

I am done writing. “You can read, if you want…”

Bob just looks at me and then ignores me.

I cry myself to sleep.

I wake up after a few hours and see him reading my diary.

He finishes reading and closes the diary. Ignoring me again.

I fall asleep… Again…

I wake up after an hour. Bob is in bed now. I hug him, but he wants to be left alone. He doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to respond to what I wrote in my diary.

We both try to sleep, but it is hard.

The morning alarm goes off. We both get up without talking to each other. This is the first time in our life that we didn’t make up before sleeping. We travel to work together by train. This is hard… I feel broken, neglected. I can’t even hold his hand like we always do. Tears running down my face, while we walk to the station in silence. I can’t get myself together, I am not even trying to act normal in public. It feels like a thousand knives are stabbing my heart. Bob still doesn’t look at me.

We sit in the train now. He shuts his eyes and pretends to sleep. I am trying to do the same, but tears are keeping me awake. I keep on wiping them.

The train stops. We get off. He still gives me a goodbye kiss and then walks to his work.

I pretend nothing happened. I don’t want colleagues to suspect something. I decide to go home early, because I need to prepare for my other job.

I am home again and focus on my preparations.

Bob comes home, two hours later.

“Hey, how are you?” I say.

“Just don’t talk to me for three days, OK? Leave me be,” he says with a serious face.

I nod. I understand. I give him space and take my preparations to the other room. It is hard to focus, but luckily music keeps me distracted.

Thirty minutes passed.

Bob opens the door. “What are you doing?”

“Preparing for work, it is a new semester tonight.”

“Can you come to the living room? I wrote my response…”

I follow him and take a seat behind his computer. I am afraid, my hand is shaking while grabbing the computer mouse. He took serious notion of my wishes. I regret my wishes instantly. I say to him it wasn’t fair to expect those things from him. That I accept him without fulfilling my wishes.

He suddenly remembers and smiles, “you always call yourself ‘a stupid bitch’ if you read things your past-self wrote.”

“This is the same situation! I am so stupid!” I say.

“OK, so far so good. But I think you have a problem. I think you have a midlife crisis. You should read the symptoms on this website. Take your time.”

I am reading the article and turn silent… “I think you are right!”

“It is OK to find help, if you need it.”

“I am so sorry for doing this you. I love you so much. I would never leave you. You are my soulmate.”

“Just never leave me OK? I love you too.”

We talk about how our day went. How I hid my feelings at work. How he couldn’t hide his feelings and cried at work. We hug like we haven’t seen each other in years.

Everything is good between us now. As for me? I need to accept my true self and beat this internal crisis.

4 thoughts on “Chapter 16: It feels like a thousand knives are stabbing my heart

  1. As you said, Anne, a sad chapter — but you write both happy & exciting and sad episodes so well. Looking forward to your next addition to your diary!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you have a solid and honest relationship with Bob. Have you read any Esther Perel. You’ll find her on You Tube and her website has some excellent articles. She is a relationship therapist and author and both compassionate and wise. She talks a lot about the unrealistic expectations we have today of what marriage is about. We expect to have ALL our needs fulfilled by one person, forever. In reality I believe (as does she) that this is impossible and very much a recent myth in terms of the history of marriage and monogamy. I suggest you read up on some of her work. It may soothe you and help you on your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

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