Chapter 53: It is like floating in darkness for me and I am reaching my limit

I am doing a little test. I ask Kevin for a picture, because I want to see his handsome face. The last time I got a picture was from last summer. I gather all my courage and ask him.

“Can I have a picture of you? Miss your handsome face.”

That was Saturday. No response. Just a notification that he received the message.

Monday. I try again, but I feel shy and uncomfortable.

“I am still hoping, but ‘No’ is an answer too of course.”

“I will check soon,” Kevin says.

Tuesday. Still nothing. It is around 11PM, I feel ignored and frustrated. Especially when Kevin said that he had more time to chat during his holiday.

“Are you still awake?” I ask.

No response.

Wednesday, 1st of August, almost noon.

“I was already sleeping. How are you?” Kevin asks.

“Could be better. I am at work.”

I can’t take this anymore. I am important too! I am close to reaching my limit. He is not getting back at my question to send me a picture. I really hate this pattern, it is not just the request for a picture. Kevin seems not effected by my ‘Could be better’. I open up a document and start to write about my frustrations. I need to be prepared to confront him. My heart is heavy when I finished a first concept. I can’t think anymore or concentrate at work. It is hard to stay positive and not cry. I can’t keep up pretending to be a bundle of joy. I tell Bob how I feel and that I am coming home already. Bob feels for me and wants to cuddle me so bad.

I am almost home and send Kevin a message.

“When can we chat? I am having a difficult time.”

“Within twenty minutes or so?”

“OK, I am home then.”

What is this? I am thinking. His response was almost instant. This means he fucking reads everything.

I am home now. My sweet Bob cleaned up the house and stands before me with open arms to hug me. What an adorable man I have. I love him so much. I tell him I go to bed and wait for Kevin to message me. While waiting I edit my document, making sure I am not attacking Kevin personally with my words and to not mention things that happened a long time ago. The focus will be on his behavior, on how he is (not) communicating with me.

I know twenty minutes is never twenty minutes. Bob regularly checks in on me, standing by to comfort me. Another hour passed. Bob is on my lap now like a good puppy dog, while I pet him.

“Are you there? Or is now not a good time?” I text to Kevin impatiently.

No response.

Kevin is online now, after one and half hour. Bob leaves me alone, so I can have a chat with Kevin.

“Hey.

I needed to drive around, because my kid is not sleeping in the afternoon lately.

Going late to bed and waking up too early.”

Really Kevin? Are you opening a conversation like that when I said I am having a difficult time? Your kid is not my problem. It is non of my concern and totally not relevant now. I don’t know how to respond.

“How bothersome…” I say.

“I am on a parking lot now. Everything OK BTW?”

“Are you alone now?” I ask to make sure I can confront him without him going offline.

“Just for a little while.

I can chat later on or tonight.

I do read what you are typing.

And I miss you.”

Kevin is typing so fast and spamming me, not even hearing me out. I am going to ignore that and want to make sure I tell him why I am having a difficult time.

“No. I am not OK. I really have to tell you something. Maybe I should mail you, so you can read it in your own time.”

“I am looking forward to see you again… Or is that the subject?” He types at the same time when I send my message that I am not OK.

“I don’t know if I can handle this anymore,” I bluntly say.

“Do you mean that we don’t chat? Or that we are not seeing each other often enough?

If I wasn’t on this trip with my family, I would have come to you,” he types at the same time again.

Gosh, let me finish my sentences I am thinking. He is assuming stuff and offering solutions he can’t commit to anyway. I think it is despair.

“I can wait, but you are often not getting back at me in your communication,” I say.

“OK, that is clear.

This app is tacky, but you are right.

I am not alone anymore soon.”

Is he seriously blaming the app? I can’t believe what I am reading. I keep my head up and make sure I say the things I have to say.

“It is like floating in darkness for me and I am reaching my limit,” I say without any hesitation.

“I understand, can we talk later?”

“OK.”

“I don’t want to lose you, but I understand that this is my own doing.”

I send him a crying emoticon.

Twenty minutes pass.

“No? You made your decision already?” He sounds scared.

“No. I am only stating the difficulties I experience and ask you how we are going to work this out.”

“OK. That is a big relieve.

Let us keep on chatting and meet real quick again! Or do you want to call? I am returning home this weekend. We can plan a date after that.”

“I just miss you very much and I am doing my best to deal with the situation.”

“Sweetheart, I really want to give you a hug right now.”

“I just hope that you understand my point of view.”

“I think I do, at least I am doing my ultimate best to understand.”

“And yes, I want to see you again and happy that you are trying your best.”

“I know I am the most to blame. I am terrible with communicating via chat, but I do know how good it is to be with you and how unique our chemistry is.”

“Do you mind if I keep on giving you feedback?”

“Keep doing that and stay true to yourself. I don’t want you to cover up the pure you. Are you sad now?”

“I did cry yes. I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”

“No, that is far from the truth.”

“Maybe I am too sweet. I don’t know.”

“The thing we have is so precious. Just the thought of kissing you…”

I send him a blushing emoticon. This is the effect he has on me.

“If we quit our adventure… I don’t think we are both going to find it again. I don’t even know if I want that,” he says.

“I don’t want to quit either and I don’t want to search for someone new. I just had to put a stop on this ongoing situation to protect myself.”

“Yes and you are so right you did. You should always do that.”

“But it is good to know that you still want me… More than good. I need to hear from you from time to time to stay connected with you, to still feel desires for you.

“I understand. My apologies that I neglected you.”

“And from my part, I do understand that you were not feeling well.”

“Work was killing me. I can tell you all about it, but… After I kissed you… And you kissed me…”

“OK…” I am blushing again and feel the heat reaching for my cheeks.

“I long so much for that.”

“When?” I ask within milliseconds.

“Tuesday? Wednesday? Thursday?”

“All three?” I am laughing again and feel much better.

“So… I can see you within a week!”

“Wow.”

“That is even faster than last year.”

“Last year… pff,” I respond while a flashback pops into my head.

“Indeed, that was really something. We found each other… Connected.”

“Burning desires… Of melting together…”

“One year later we know how good it can be… Oh my God, I want you now. Come here… Fuck.”

“Be a little patient…”

“Haha yes, I get that.”

“And then you can undress me…”

“Oh my God, you are only making it worse. I want to hear you breathing faster and faster.”

“Is it next week already? I need you.”

“In my fantasies it is.”

“I need you against me.”

“And then? What do you feel?”

“Electricity.”

“Wow. If I close my eyes we are in that hotel room again… In bed.”

“Let’s try Tuesday night, you and me between the sheets.”

“Oh my God… I have to check here with my girlfriend.”

“If I don’t hear anything I will reach out to you.”

“You are always allowed to do that,” he says with a kiss emoticon.

“That is sweet.”

“Long kiss for you… Talk to you soon.”

“See you soon, kiss…”

We speak again later that night and everything feels good again. He admits he feels ashamed of neglecting me, his most intimate connection. I agree with the neglect, but do think it is sweet that he confesses. He also asks if I feel better again. I am. I do ask him one thing…

“Where is that photo???”

We both laugh and I receive a bunch of pictures.

July, you have been hard on me. I am glad I found the courage to confront Kevin, even though I should have done it earlier.

To be continued. Follow me to get notifications.

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