I have good news. I am recovered from my injury. Which is such a liberation. I feel like I can take on the world again. No limitations anymore. After a nice workout in the evening, I hop online to chat with Eric. He has been asking when I would be home a few times today. I sense that something is off.
“Is there something you want to tell me Sir? Since you asked twice to tell you when I am back?”
“Yes, I need to send you an email. Please let me know when you’ve read it,” Eric says.
That doesn’t sound good… And I had a funny feeling these last few days. I know Eric said he is OK with the new situation, but still… It might be too much. Too much details for example or that I have seen Charley a lot in a short amount of time. I saw Charley two times on Friday and yesterday (Sunday). I check my mailbox right away and find a mail with the subject ‘To my little one’. I don’t want to read it alone. I enter the bathroom since Bob is taking a shower. I start reading Eric’s words out loud to Bob. Fuck, this is a goodbye mail. It hits me hard, like gravity got stronger in an instant. I can’t even read without tears and pause now and then to catch my breath. My voice is shaky. I finish reading and run to the couch bed. I literally cry like a baby. Bob is finished with his shower and cuddles me hard, but I am not cuddling back.
“Could you respond to Eric that I have read his message? I can’t do it. I can’t handle it now…”
“OK, I will.”
I feel heart broken. I turn numb. Bob tries to comfort me with all his might, but nothing can comfort me now. Bob is crying too. He feels so sad for Eric and me. He regrets finding Charley’s ad and even wishes he waited for Eric to visit us first. Normally I cry together with Bob when we are sad, but I keep my back turned to him and just want to ‘be’. I am crushed, but I do understand Eric. I know he would never hurt me on purpose. I can’t imagine how frustrating and sad these last few days must have been for him. Most of all discovering that he has a hard limit of his own. He can’t live with the idea that I am submissive to someone else. I am devastated that he made the choice to say goodbye on his own though. Of course, I need to accept a hard limit, but I am used to fight for each other and second chances, talk about our troubles and find ways. Eric’s mail is a very strong one, leaving me no other option. He is having a hard time as it is, and I don’t want to hurt him more than I did already. Eric ended his mail that he needs distance now and will no longer be online to chat.
I cry myself to sleep and wake up with a foggy brain.
I am glad I have the day off, else I would have taken a sick leave. I am a mess. The first thing I do is log in to Skype, hoping it was a bad dream. But no. Eric is no longer online. I read the chat Bob and Eric had. I feel tears running down my face. The words with love, respect and sadness make me emotional. I still love Eric, that won’t go away just because I have Charley now. We were intimate for nine months and the connection, even virtual, was way deeper than my connection with Kevin. I know I wrote a goodbye message to Kevin myself, but I see Eric’s goodbye as something different. In my opinion I gave Kevin enough chances to improve our relationship. I shouldn’t compare. Every situation is different, every person even.
Bob asks me to take good care of myself today and then leaves for work. I am alone now. I read Eric’s goodbye mail again and try to respond. I think he deserves a response at least, but I find it hard to do. I am crying, trying to find the words. Type, type, type… Backspace… Cry.
I am proud of Eric that he told me the truth. Even if it is not positive. At least I know what is on his mind and how he feels. I thank him for always being so considerate. Eric waited with his email, because he wanted me to enjoy my new chapter with Charley and figure out the feelings of frustration on his own. As sweet as it is… I do wish he would have shared with me sooner, but then again… That is me, not Eric. I don’t want to say goodbye, so I leave the option to contact me (or Bob) open. I will miss Eric deeply. Not only in a sexual way, but also as a friend. We have been talking daily.
I send these thoughts to Eric and my deepest apologies on how things worked out. In his goodbye he told me I didn’t do anything wrong, but maybe… Maybe I needed to be stronger to resist Charley’s ad. Maybe I should have turned it down myself and wait for Eric to visit me. How on earth could he say ‘no’ to me when I asked if it was OK to reply on the ad. That would contradict the fact that he always wanted someone better than Kevin for me. Did I corner Eric? I did include him on every step with Charley. Was I that desperate to find someone new? No, I don’t believe the latter. Because I honestly wanted to wait until I was cured from Kevin and my injury. I just couldn’t resist Charley’s words. Not replying on Charley’s ad would be ignoring Bob’s effort in his search for a bull. And if I am completely honest… Meeting Charley was absolutely wonderful and I couldn’t predict that we would match so freakishly well. Sigh, I am overthinking. I need to stop. It happened the way it happened. I know intense intimacy has a risk of intense sadness. Suck it up and deal with it, Anne. No Kevin and no more Eric for me.
To be continued. Follow me to receive a notification.